46 Things About Me

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1. I have a lot of gray hair.

2. I have a lot of hair.

3. I was a Licensed Elevator Operator once.

4. I went out with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader once.

5. I hate sports with a passion.

6. I used to be a Young Republican. Now I'm an Old Republican.

7. I met Chuck Berry in person once. I stuttered and stammered. He thought I was an idiot.

8. I can climb a ladder in roller skates.

9. I've never snorted cocaine.

10. My favorite drink is Stolichnaya vodka straight. I haven't had any in nearly 20 years.

11. My favorite food is a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. A whole tray of them was my wedding cake.

12. When I was a kid, I had a bad speech impediment. I cured it myself when I was 18. In two weeks.

13. I've had a nose job.

14. Little girls, old ladies, large African American women, and gay men think I'm attractive.

15. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. Damn near 20.

16. I needed therapy until I was 19. Damn near 20.

17. I was in therapy once. I quit going after my psychologist attacked one of her patients with a knife.

18. I've had Cat Scratch Fever; the real kind, not the Ted Nugent kind.

19. I hate cats.

20. I've never broken a bone. Except my nose. Hence the nose job.

21. I wrote my first novel when I was 7 years old.

22. I don't read fiction.

23. I had a green belt in karate. I quit karate after a 15-year-old white belt kicked my ass in a tournament. I was 21.

24. I have a concealed handgun license. It's easier than karate.

25. I've never seen a UFO or a ghost.

26. I'm 100% heterosexual; I don't even like men as friends. If I were a woman, I'd want to be a lesbian.

27. I've never contemplated suicide. I contemplate homicide all the time.

28. My dad taught Johnny and Edgar Winter in junior high school.

29. My most creative time is between midnight and 3 a.m.

30. I'm a chocolate addict. Didn't become one until a few years ago. I need it to stay up until midnight.

31. If I had to be a criminal, I would want to be a blackmailer.

32. I've always wanted to start my own cult.

33. My math skills are below average. Okay, I'm a math dumbass.

34. My favorite subject in high school was Physics. I used a calculator.

35. I finagled my way out of P.E. class in high school for two years and never had a medical excuse.

36. The worst excuse a woman ever gave for breaking up with me was that I didn't own a boat.

37. I still don't own a boat.

38. I can't swim.

39. I don't have a beard to shave.

40. I've been deer hunting three times.

41. I never shot a deer.

42. I was a fine art major my first two years of college. I wanted to be an illustrator.

43. I changed my major to education.

44. I taught English for about a semester. To 8th graders. I quit.

45. I hung around in punk rock clubs in college.

46. I love film noir.

 

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